I feel as if I have traveled back in time and I'm giving my younger self a pep talk - "You can do it, self! You can transform all of these learned behaviors. You can move through past learned trauma!"
Yes, we all have these ridiculous maddening parts of ourselves. I like to call it my shadow self, cause mostly I like to be nice to myself. And when I have a moment of complete forgetting and I stoop down low and call myself; unworthy, dumb, crazy, unloved or powerless...I pick myself up and look my shadow self in the eye and brazenly face myself.
This is what I've learned -
It has been a journey with relationship. I see it everywhere, really I feel it everywhere. For what seems like my whole life I've had this amazing ability to listen to the feelings of others. Everywhere people are dealing with or rather putting energy into their relationships. The overall tone these relationships are facing is the question: 'Do you love me?' My bestie and momentous culinary genius, Kasey shared a moment of breakthrough where she realized all she needed was a hug and when she asked her lover for a hug her lover beamed radiantly and said, "I specialize in hugs."
I thought, OH, that's it I need a hug! So, I ask Dan for a hug and he gives me a hug and I want more! Oh, I can hear my Veruca Salt shadow archetype, never being satisfied! Holding onto an unrealistic thought that something outside of me could satisfy me.
What is this thing about being satisfied? Can I find that in someone else?
Dan is brilliant in his ability to communicate emotions, because he stands outside of them - it gives him this uncanny way of having perspective. I respect that, I gain insight... I love and hate this skill he has developed. While I feel all of my emotions and hell, even make up I can feel his.
The insatiable part of me makes up a story; my lover is where I release my energetic charge. So, I build up electricity and want to express it with him. Sometimes this charge is so loud I can't hear over it.
What is that?
My soul sister, Zola, called me during a sincere moment of forgetting my purpose (what to do with my energetic charge), as she usually does she gave me insight. An incredible women with a high energetic charge of her own. I can see her like I can see myself and all of my women friends - we are on, lit up on the inside. With so much brimming over.
I feel the charge grow as I live my waking dream, exercise more, eat better, and express myself more authentically. I have this ferocious hunger to ride the wave of electricity. Some call it a kundalini rising.
I forgot that this rising is more then sexual charge; it's more then sexual energy needing union. It is about being a channel of energy. Sometimes I feel as if I am lightening and my whole entire being is teaming with energy and I am beside myself to release it. When I hold onto it gets trapped inside.
I've made the mistake of thinking it's the responsibility of my lover to absolve me of this teaming energy with his magic wand of love. So, I can live happily ever after, you know - like Disney says.
But really all I want is for him to meet me in love and accept me. Be willing to play with me on all accounts. As we discover our authentic selves and sex is only one part of our expression.
My friend Zola as I've said is a direct channel of electric energy you can see it in her dance. She channels it as a conduit. When she received news of someone close to her that was diagnosed with cancer it tested her. But she found an outlet. She called it being a temple dancer. Which struck up this vision of women (and men too) being of service to their purpose. She said she channels her energy into the dance and allows the energy to flow through her. It has potentized her life.
As I look around, all of us women are magnetizing forces of energy. Especially right now and we can point it out on the stars or align it with 2012 or call it whatever the hell, but something is happening in a big way with a lot of women I know. We are remembering the genius.
I mention all of the above to my wifey and oracle of divine musical download, Adey, another conductor of live wire energy. She says - "Have you listened to the TED talk featuring that Eat, Prey, Love chick? She mentions this conduit thing we're talking about." I look it up and YES, great remind.her!
I realize that I have been ignoring the creative genius in fact a lot of us have. This is an AMAZING time to be alive, every day I am having some profound break through, rapidly, like right now. I feel as if I'm caught in the middle of a cosmic worm hole and I'm being stretched and shrank all at the same time. Who I thought I was and who I think I am becoming is beyond dreams.
When I let go and trust in the process of being a conduit, I am truly riding the wave of my own connection to divine energy. When I grip it too tightly I loose sight of what to do with all of this incredible power. The creative genius is another look at the idea of being a conduit of energy. The habit of trapping it inside myself causes stagnancy in the flow and then a whirlpool happens. Where I spiral around in loop thoughts making up 'worst case scenario' stories.
What a waste of cosmic energy.
But, I am not committed to trapping the flow. Instead I will be a conduit and when the wave of energy pulses through me I will create something and release that creative genius into the world.