For me, Forgettings are moments of; forgetting who i am, forgetting what my purpose is, forgetting that i am love/d, forgetting to maintain my pace + forgetting to TRUST myself and my journey whilst maintaining an attitude of gratitude.
I forgot that I was loved and to love.
I fell into the habit of running away from my feelings. My feelings were of scarcity - not enough love and not feeling worthy of love.
My forgetting happened the moment my lover and I were headed out to a hot spring adventure. Bad timing to have a forgetting. Well, so I thought.
My lover held impeccable space and initiated a pace of remembering that I am love/d. He is a powerful force of love. He got me present to my choices; run away from my feelings or choose to walk my edge and have a break through. He asked, "If this was the last day of your life, how would you choose to live it?" I answered, "I would choose to live it in love." He smiled and we headed to Orr Hot Springs, both tender and eager to rejuvenate. I brought my required reading book: The Way Back Home Clearing the Energy of our Emotional Wounding by Bonnie Serratore with Werner Disse.
The first soak was a deep cleansing. Washing away day old city living and the tension of the to-do list. D said, "it feels like being in the womb connected to the umbilical chord that is the core of the earth," sparkle in his clear eyes.
I dove into the next pool of water and swam over to a rock waterfall. It was cold, sulfuric and invigorating. I felt the cool water sealing up my body memory cells. I stretched into feeling only myself. No external electriCITY calling for my attention, simply me feeling myself. An important second step from having cleansed from the city grim of urban decay.
I felt alive and my forgetting was shrinking, however still present and unfortunately a dominate force in my loop thinking.
So, I head over to a private hot tub for a moment with myself. To read my book.
Immediately in the introduction there is this simple, potent, gem:
"We can only clear emotional energy by feeling.
If we don't feel it, we won't heal it.
When we fully feel the energy of our emotional wounding,
the energy actually moves,
changing shape, color, density and texture."
- Bonnie Serratore
So, I dive into myself to feel the feeling I was running away from. I push up against blocks of old stories and repetitive loop thoughts...but the original trauma is deeper. I go so so so deep into myself. I find myself in the womb, my mothers womb. Suiting really to be soaking in hot sulfuric water revisiting trauma from the womb. The universe delivers, perfectly fucked up timing.
I am in my mothers womb and I'm experiencing through her a beating. My father is beating her, while she is pregnant with me. I am connected to her through the umbilical chord. I looked down at my navel and I can physically feel the tension stemming from that connection I had with my mother. WHOA! I've learned to spread this tension through out my entire body. In constant readiness for a battle - a beating that started in the womb.
D finds me in the tub soaking, perfect timing. I just had an epic realization and he held space for my sharing. In my sharing I realize that my body habit of constantly being on guard stopped me from trusting. That I didn't have a body memory of TRUST.
I dove even deeper into myself and I could not identify any feeling of trust. Where was it? What does trust feel like? D suggests, "create right now the experience of trust." Profound thought, as he tenderly delivered unwavering love. I close my eyes, D lays his head on my belly and I sink into the hot water. I find myself going through different levels of my consciousness as I clear out blockages. It felt like turning off emergency lights that flashed tension all over my entire body. Keeping me on constant alert. This was me feeling post traumatic stress. It was painful and as I flicked off these blinking lights I could feel myself release, tears flowing from my eyes.
D looks up at me and asks how does it feel? I confess, I'm feeling and clearing out this emergency habit. But in my sharing I realize something. I was fully feeling the emergency lights on in my body, which showed up as body tension. I had a new sensation after I fully felt my feelings. I felt relaxed, from the core of my spinal chord out into my auric field. Is this new sensation TRUST?! The feeling of being FULLY RELAXED. In that moment I realized what TRUST feels like for me.
It was as if I put down my armor. The armor I needed to protect myself from violence. Violence I experienced while in the womb. No wonder I was born late! Ha! No wonder my pace is slow, however potent when I arrive fully. I hadn't been trusting this whole time and the lack of trust was the seed of my forgetting to be love/d.
After facing myself and the sensation of fully feeling repressed emotions. I feel so much room inside myself. I recognize I am creating a new body habit within. I don't need to be on constant guard. I don't need to have my body be tense and ready to protect myself from violence. I have created love and peace as my present moment and at my own slow and steady pace.
Now I am radiating my authentic self and that feels relaxed in love, presently in the moment. Trusting that I have created a safe and loving environment for myself. My lover is a loving trust worthy person, deserving of my love.
I will remember, I trust myself to recognize danger. I trust myself fully. In trusting my body feels relaxed. When I am relaxed I am fully open to give and receive love.
There it is, walking my edge and forgetting to remember. Facing my fears and embracing a new tool to fully embody my emotions. letting my emotions flow through me. Not holding back, not holding on but releasing. Making room to be more of my authentic expression.